i don't know what to do anymore.

I seriously thought today would never end. I've noticed this random sense of laziness in both Josh and I. I don't know about him, but I'm trying to get out of it. We've been fighting a lot lately, and I don't understand. It's somewhat depressing because of how much things have changed between us. I thought having an extra hour of the day together would bring us closer together, but it seems as if he's only getting even more tired of me. I don't know what to do about it anymore.

There is not really too much to say about school today. Nothing happened. I was so lazy and I didn't want to do anything. Haley, again, is pissing me off though.I don't know what to do about her anymore. It seems like the only person who I consistently talk to these days is Jessica. I don't understand. My views of her have changed so much in the past three years. And like, no offense to her, but I never thought out of all people, she would be the one who I came back to.

I have felt nervous or maybe even worried all day today and I haven't the slightest idea why. I get this feeling that something bad is going to happen. I just don't know what it is. I think I'm being gypped, which is seriously completely dumb because there's not even a problem coming about. You never know anymore, though. I get this awkward feeling that I'm going to be losing someone that I'm very close to. And I keep hoping it's Josh; not so much losing him, but losing close relations with him. Because I know that no matter what he's always going to be there. But that's not something that I can say for everyone else. I also feel like I'm going to be gaining a friendship with someone whom I don't even want to be friends with, and it's just going to get me hurt in the end. I just don't know anymore.

This is probably going to sound extremely strange and creepy, but I could not help to watch what the kid who sits in front of me in fifth hour was doing today. Just the whole process of how he could escape everything, and he knew what he was doing and everything. It's hard to believe he's still on project 4, being as he seems extremely smart and amazing with computers. I do believe he's just a slow worker. You know, like trying to make everything perfect. There was something about him that reminded me so much of someone else. It wasn't until I got home until I realize who, though.

Troy. I completely forgot about him. The last memory I actually have of him is him sitting next to me in Mr. O'Brien's room. It was quiet. Everyone was working, except for us of course. And then so randomly and so sweetly he just said, "We're going to be best friends forever, right?" I remember gently smiling. I looked at him and nodded my head. I couldn't help but laugh."Yes, Troy. Forever." That's what I said to him. Then the next day he wasn't at school. I thought he was sick. Then suddenly he stopped showing up. I don't know what happened to him, at all. I don't even know where he's at and it's been almost a year since I've seen him. I don't think I'll ever see him again. He taught me so much about life. He proved that anyone could live alone at age 18. He was able to support himself, and his girlfriend. He handled school, and a job, plus all the bills. He wasn't in debt at all. He was extremely smart. And he probably taught me more about computers than Mr. O'Brien did. Everyday, he was my biggest annoyance. But he always kept me going. Always. He told me not to do drugs, and he told me not to drink. He always told me that whenever I decide to have sex for the first time, that I have to use a condom. I can't believe I forgot about him. All of this talking about him makes me want to see him even more. I never realized what he actually was to me until now. I miss him, and I would do anything just to see him again.